I’m mentally ill…not crazy

Posted: September 28, 2012 in Life and Stuff
Tags: , , , , , ,

I am considered mentally ill. I am bipolar, ADHD, and I suffer from generalized panic disorder as well as panic disorder. Does this mean I’m crazy…hell no. If you think I’m crazy then you don’t know me and you shouldn’t judge people you don’t know. I’m human! I joke and laugh at my diagnosis sometimes, but that’s so I don’t always have to cry about it. Some run at the mere mention of bipolar, due to stereotypes and general lack of knowledge. Every case of mental illness is different and no treatment is the same. I go to counseling one to two times a month depending on how symptomatic I am. I also take several medication that help to balance me out. I have a sensitive biochemistry and that sometimes hinders the process, but I deal with it. I believe God has given this experience for a reason.

My hours of operation differ depending on the day and how I’m feeling. Sometimes I sleep for a few hours and then stay up for 3 to 4 days at at a time (mania). Others I sleep for days or refuse to be productive (depression). I have severe mood swings that cause me to be angry and aggressive. Then I’ll swing again and be happy as kid in a candy store; just as quickly. It’s hard to find that happy medium that most people have. I crave that happy medium. I hate when I have frequent swings. It’s emotionally draining to feel all these feelings. I can get real mean and have even fought family and friends. Then if I’m down I push the people who love me most away; when all they want to do is help. I hate to hurt them but I just can’t help it. But all in all I try my best to notice the swing and warn those who are dealing with me, so we all can be prepared and move forward. It’s hard to tell when I skip my medicines but I try not to do that anymore. I want to get well and to that I have to take them everyday; even if I think I’m feeling better. This will be with me for the rest of my life. But I’m still a happy go lucky young woman! I love to have fun and be around people. I just have to be careful and mind the company I keep like any other person

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Did you know adults suffer from ADHD too. It does not goo away when you grow up. You can’t just grow out of it. Millions of men and women around the world suffer from it but manage to get through the day and be productive citizens of the world. I wasn’t diagnosed with it until I was 18 and all of sudden high school made sense. Why I could never grasp certain subjects and why it felt like my mind was always going and could never stop. Why my grades fluctuated so much. I mean I loved school but it was always hard for me to focus. That’s one of the major symptoms of ADHD. Even in writing this piece my mind is all over the place and I have to reel it back in and focus. The medicine is wearing off and it’s almost time for my night medicine. I’ve started and stopped school several times in the past 7 years but finally have a decent cocktail ( what we call my treatment) worthy of me finally getting in and staying in. I really want this . To not just start, but to finish school.This disease makes it hard but I’m fighting back. I’m taking my life back. So as practice for school; I do assignments during the day, read and do things at a set time. Routine is key and once I get it down it will help with my lack of focus. Then there is the hyper part. Now because I’m an adult I know it is inappropriate to run around acting a fool. I fidget a lot. Constantly moving my hands and looking around. I can hear all kinds of sounds when I’m trying to get things done. I move from project to project. Room to room all the while trying to get this one thing done. It should take me all of 5 minutes to get dressed in the morning. But it takes 20 because I have to do fifty-billion t=other things while dressing myself. This is a challenge when trying to be on time, hence why I’m always late. SO I take my meds early so they’ll be working by the time I actually start getting dressed. I lay my clothes out the night before and so on and so forth. I’m trying to get my life back.

There is nothing worse than being in a constant state of worry. I worry about such trivial things and serious things. How people view me, how I handled something. I worry about things getting done or not getting done, and whose going to do it. I worry about the weather, nature, health, often things I can’t control.Then having those stressful moments that literally take the breath out of your lungs. To go into total shock and have the walls begin to close in you. Being taken down to your knees when you were just standing up.To feel like your all alone. That’s how a panic attack feels…kind of like watching yourself die. Scariest shit I’ve ever been through and to have this happen once I would be lucky. Having 2 or 3 of them at once isn’t uncommon for me, but I get through them the best I can. I learned several breathing techniques while in the hospital. I talk to a family member or friend while the attack is happening. I pray through them too. That has helped me a whole lot, to have someone to give those feelings to. It’s therapeutic to talk to God in such scary moments. Prayer has gotten me through so much but he helps me most during those awkward and lonely moments.

I know this piece is long but I hope you read it. I simply told my story. It may mean nothing but hopefully you took away that people who have to live with mental health issues are simply humans who have a few quirks, but we are the people you love and care for many times. I have to deal with these things on the daily basis and there are people who go through so much more. We are more than crazy. I am more than crazy. I’m not saying being sick gives us the right to get to run around all willie nilly doing stupid stuff, but don’t be so quick to judge. We are human too. We deserve a chance to be happy too. So I say proudly..I am mentally ill…I am HUMAN!!

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Comments
  1. Jay says:

    YEs!! At least you know what problems you have. Many peeps have issues without even knowing what or when to ackknowledge it. That was in one breath.

  2. My life has been in one whole breath for as long as I can remember, and I can relate to almost every word you have written here. Thanks for sharing, May God bring you blessings from these trials, I can testify that He has done this and so much more for me.
    I would love to hear your thoughts on a couple of posts I wrote in a recent low time,
    http://innerangelsandenemies.wordpress.com/2012/06/02/the-battle-continues/
    http://innerangelsandenemies.wordpress.com/2012/07/30/the-emotional-hangover/

    I look forward to sharing more… Blessings to you!

  3. belle morgen says:

    There is such a stigma against mental illness so I hope that you have people in your life who are understanding and helpful, and not judgemental. I’m sure life is not easy for you and I wish you all th best.

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