Archive for October, 2012

I am writing this and praying I don’t have a nervous break down at the same time. My nerves are shot and the night is still young. I’m babysitting a 5 year old and 7 year old. Good ages right? Wrong their insane with pent up energy and my place is not equipped to handle them. My bestie wanted to have date night with her beau and I needed some quick cash. Why not I said plus I get the cash upfront, right? Well I must say I could’ve made it without the money. Now don’t get me wrong I love these kids like they’re my own and have been taking care of them since they were babies, but I just don’t have the same patience. When I was living here at my mom’s; I was constantly surrounded by kids. I loved hanging out with them. I was known as the “babysitter” to everyone in the neighborhood.

Then I moved into my own place and got used to the quiet. Got used to just feeding myself. Not having to run orders to “get down”, “sit down”, “leave it alone”. I don’t have to raise my voice or anything. So when I do watch the kids now… I literally have to keep from pulling my hair out. I’m not used to the loudness anymore and I think that’s my main problem. Then the running in the house or my little apartment; and I live with a majority of elderly people. When they were younger they were so well behaved; I didn’t mind running them around with me. Staying the night, but now they got to go home. I ask what time exactly their mom is coming back and have them ready, if I haven’t put them to bed. So, now I’m about ready to put their tails to bed like it’s a school night.

I can barely get through this post because I’m disciplining the kids now. I been trying to write this for two hours already. I mean sheesh! I’m so frazzled and ready to go to bed already. I’m usually getting ready for bed by now. In the next hour I’ll take my medicine but there won’t be a bedtime for me. Nope I’ll be waiting for the kids to go home. Why oh why did I agree to do this. I love my babies dearly but I just don’t have the patience. These kids aren’t terrible and are super loving they just don’t have anything to do here, because the oldest child here is 14. I mean come on and they didn’t bring stuff to do, which I always say bring. Ugh, I’m just tired I guess. Today hasn’t been the greatest and I really just wanna curl up in my bed. But I digress, I agreed to babysit and now I have to follow through. Only a little while left anyway right?

How do you keep your patience from running low? In any situation. I can take all the advice I can get.

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I may often be pegged as the biggest optimist in the world, but that only applies when I’m lifting someone else up. I am your biggest cheerleader when things get rough. Yet when I am going through the wringer; I try and do it myself. Usually not telling anyone I’m struggling until I’m wearing it on my face and reek of stress. Then and only then will I accept any form of encouragement. This is a horrible trait for someone who loves to help others. Sometimes I get so down, and feel so alone, and that no one will understand exactly what’s going on. Exactly how much I may want something but can’t motivate myself to get up and reach for it; or the guilt in knowing I could but I can’t. Those feeling can become overwhelming for just one soul to bear. Have you ever felt this way? Can you relate?

“When your in that state of mind…you can’t help but feel alone”

When your in that state of mind you can’t help but feel alone. You can’t help but unknowingly push people away. You have to snap yourself out of it. Or at least have someone give you a good slap across the back of the head ” Wake Up, I’m here” is what they’ll say (my friends are literal, maybe yours aren’t so rough). Like a sunrise you realize somebody cares. Somebody can relate. Somebody understands, because if they didn’t why would they stop you from wallowing? I’ve noticed when I get like this it’s because I missed the warning signs; that I was getting in too deep without a life jacket . When you want something so bad that can happen, and then the isolation begins and then loneliness.There are also those times when nothing short of God is the only thing that can bring you out, or motivate you to get something done. I’m having one of those days today. I literally had to pray myself off my couch (where I slept for whatever reason). I’m praying myself through this post as we speak. I want this to make sense so bad.

The point is loneliness is often just in our heads. We have friends and family members who probably know what we’re feeling. They can help if we let them. There are other people, bloggers, authors, etc. who we can relate too. If you believe in God as I do; you know that’s he’s with us all the time. Even in the lowest moments; when I can’t muster the strength to call his name, he’s there. We are not as alone as we think. We just have to snap out of it long enough to realize we have a team of supporters to help us through the rough patches, but they can’t help us until we acknowledge and accept that we need it. I know that’s one of my biggest flaws and I’m working on it. I need help! I’m saying it out loud. So I will make that call and ask for it. Will you? If you have don’t have anyone I’m here. I can relate to a lot and like I said earlier I will be your biggest cheerleader!! Hopefully someone will get something out this…maybe snap out of the trance.

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I know there is a greater purpose for my life. I mean there has to be, why else would God let me go through all I’ve been through. Sometimes when things get rough I forget to call on him for strength. And I know he knows when I’m going to call and when I when I won’t.Because when I do things seem to get harder. Not because he’s punishing me for not relying on him first; No to remind that he’s got it under control. To remind that I already won the battle I just have to let him fight it.

I’m so used to being the strong one. So much so that in my times of weakness; I beat myself up for being weak. Usually during these times I seclude myself from the world. Fearful that they’ll see my flaw…see that I’m not always the strong one. I try to hide from God too. I run to the bottom of every bottle or can I could get a hold of. I’d roll my poison between cigars, papers, or stuff into homemade bongs. But God would be there with me. Just waiting for me to remember that he wants to take care of me. I’m in tears as I write this because, I’ve never opened up like this. I don’t even know what possessed me to even go here.

I’ve been strengthening my relationship with God lately. It’s not been easy. Submission was never really my thing. I was the rebel. The one who had it together. When the truth is I was/ am still just falling apart. I know God has been with me my whole life. Hell I shouldn’t even be alive because of some of the situation I’ve gotten myself into. I know this post is random but I need to get all this off my chest. I never trusted many people. My mom was my confidant and if I couldn’t tell her then only Gods the only who knows those things. Yet I’m learning that if I trust God, I can trust the people he’s put in my life. And again if I can’t lean on them I know he’s got my back. I know if I trust him I just have to carry on.


Well let me get to some point. Everything happens for a reason. Most people believe this, even if they don’t believe in God. I know that everything I’ve been through isn’t so that I can hold on to it and beat myself up with it. It was to make me stronger than I was at that time, so I can go through the next situation wiser than I would’ve been. I’ll be stronger and can make the right decisions with conviction; and know in my heart that I did my best. That’s all you can do, but had I not been through, whose to say I’d have given it my all. I’m not perfect and I’m going to fall flat on butt and face a lot, but I’m reaching for what feels good, and letting go of the hurt. I am who I am for a reason.

Posted: October 2, 2012 in Uncategorized

Just in case you feel alone…

Inner Angels & Enemies

I am coining this as an official title,

“Emotional Hangover”

I am beginning to see a pattern form, of getting an emotional hangover after a day of emotional battle, a day of raw exposed fear. The kind of inner battle when you can’t control a thought in your head or a word from your mouth. When you are so overwhelmed with the onslaught of emotions that your clarity of thought isn’t even in the same suburb as you! Tears are shed, hearts crumble under the painful attacks of fear and guilt, words are rambled and all capability is lost. Many psychological conditions bring on these bouts, such as Depression, Anxiety, Bi-Polar Disorder, Cyclic Mood Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, etc. The battle itself is difficult at best to get through, however I have noticed the next day or two I am exhausted and extremely sensitive. I feel like I’ve been…

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