So here I sit staring success in the face. I mean literally staring at it, all I gotta do is put the words on paper. Here’s my dilemma, I can’t get to the words. I can’t seem to put a decent sentence together. The subject seemingly simple. The focus pretty easy. Yet my overly complicated behind freezes every time I look at the page. Oh, and when I do manage to get something down that sounds coherent…something happens. Today’s excuse (and I shouldn’t even have one) I’m too damn depressed to function. Just as things start to get better in one area of life;something else falls apart or needs my undivided attention. Like I’m writing here, but my article which I’ve been staring at for hours…nothing. But when I close up, shut down, and leave it alone; all these ideas, words, phrases and what not spring up. Myself plus this mental illness equals disaster for any career I choose to take up. This scares me because I’ll be starting school in the spring. I can’t afford another failed attempt at school. No I can not do it. My med were working fine and my over all health was decent. Nothing to trouble some, but low and behold my body is falling apart from the inside out. Then I decide it’s time be coo-coo. Jesus please help me!!!!! I really don’t want to fail. I’m actually doing as I’m told. Doing the right things for the most part. I’ve literally stopped living my old life and picked up this new boring one; just so I can focus on my health and school.

I’ve never wanted something so bad in my life as I want this right now. A chance to write for a legit magazine. A chance to go to school and actually finish. Why must everything fall apart now. Maybe I’m tripping and this is a test, but as low as I’m feeling right now…I already failed. I’m trying to give myself some credit and I’m sure this article will get done tonight (even if I have to stay up all night), but I need just a little encouragement. Not much just a pat on the back, a simple whisper in the ear “you’re close”, something. But what do I know other than this looks terrible?

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Comments
  1. Your honesty is refreshing and your confession resembles the reaching of ones ‘wits end’. It leads me to think of the phrase, “When you reach your wits end, that’s when God begins”.
    You have not failed, you have stumbled just enough to build your instinctive reaction to reach for your Father’s hand in times of trouble. A brighter day, a moment of awe and greatness are all just around the corner. Blessings to you!

    • Thank you for that wonderful word. After I wrote the post and asked God where was he…I instantly felt better. I know God is here with me because he brought me to this point. I think as humans we forget that God brings us to these points to guide us through them. He’ll get me through this article and the next one. Thank you

      Many blessings to you

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