Archive for the ‘Life and Stuff’ Category

So here I sit staring success in the face. I mean literally staring at it, all I gotta do is put the words on paper. Here’s my dilemma, I can’t get to the words. I can’t seem to put a decent sentence together. The subject seemingly simple. The focus pretty easy. Yet my overly complicated behind freezes every time I look at the page. Oh, and when I do manage to get something down that sounds coherent…something happens. Today’s excuse (and I shouldn’t even have one) I’m too damn depressed to function. Just as things start to get better in one area of life;something else falls apart or needs my undivided attention. Like I’m writing here, but my article which I’ve been staring at for hours…nothing. But when I close up, shut down, and leave it alone; all these ideas, words, phrases and what not spring up. Myself plus this mental illness equals disaster for any career I choose to take up. This scares me because I’ll be starting school in the spring. I can’t afford another failed attempt at school. No I can not do it. My med were working fine and my over all health was decent. Nothing to trouble some, but low and behold my body is falling apart from the inside out. Then I decide it’s time be coo-coo. Jesus please help me!!!!! I really don’t want to fail. I’m actually doing as I’m told. Doing the right things for the most part. I’ve literally stopped living my old life and picked up this new boring one; just so I can focus on my health and school.

I’ve never wanted something so bad in my life as I want this right now. A chance to write for a legit magazine. A chance to go to school and actually finish. Why must everything fall apart now. Maybe I’m tripping and this is a test, but as low as I’m feeling right now…I already failed. I’m trying to give myself some credit and I’m sure this article will get done tonight (even if I have to stay up all night), but I need just a little encouragement. Not much just a pat on the back, a simple whisper in the ear “you’re close”, something. But what do I know other than this looks terrible?

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Our Bedroom After War.

I am writing this and praying I don’t have a nervous break down at the same time. My nerves are shot and the night is still young. I’m babysitting a 5 year old and 7 year old. Good ages right? Wrong their insane with pent up energy and my place is not equipped to handle them. My bestie wanted to have date night with her beau and I needed some quick cash. Why not I said plus I get the cash upfront, right? Well I must say I could’ve made it without the money. Now don’t get me wrong I love these kids like they’re my own and have been taking care of them since they were babies, but I just don’t have the same patience. When I was living here at my mom’s; I was constantly surrounded by kids. I loved hanging out with them. I was known as the “babysitter” to everyone in the neighborhood.

Then I moved into my own place and got used to the quiet. Got used to just feeding myself. Not having to run orders to “get down”, “sit down”, “leave it alone”. I don’t have to raise my voice or anything. So when I do watch the kids now… I literally have to keep from pulling my hair out. I’m not used to the loudness anymore and I think that’s my main problem. Then the running in the house or my little apartment; and I live with a majority of elderly people. When they were younger they were so well behaved; I didn’t mind running them around with me. Staying the night, but now they got to go home. I ask what time exactly their mom is coming back and have them ready, if I haven’t put them to bed. So, now I’m about ready to put their tails to bed like it’s a school night.

I can barely get through this post because I’m disciplining the kids now. I been trying to write this for two hours already. I mean sheesh! I’m so frazzled and ready to go to bed already. I’m usually getting ready for bed by now. In the next hour I’ll take my medicine but there won’t be a bedtime for me. Nope I’ll be waiting for the kids to go home. Why oh why did I agree to do this. I love my babies dearly but I just don’t have the patience. These kids aren’t terrible and are super loving they just don’t have anything to do here, because the oldest child here is 14. I mean come on and they didn’t bring stuff to do, which I always say bring. Ugh, I’m just tired I guess. Today hasn’t been the greatest and I really just wanna curl up in my bed. But I digress, I agreed to babysit and now I have to follow through. Only a little while left anyway right?

How do you keep your patience from running low? In any situation. I can take all the advice I can get.

I may often be pegged as the biggest optimist in the world, but that only applies when I’m lifting someone else up. I am your biggest cheerleader when things get rough. Yet when I am going through the wringer; I try and do it myself. Usually not telling anyone I’m struggling until I’m wearing it on my face and reek of stress. Then and only then will I accept any form of encouragement. This is a horrible trait for someone who loves to help others. Sometimes I get so down, and feel so alone, and that no one will understand exactly what’s going on. Exactly how much I may want something but can’t motivate myself to get up and reach for it; or the guilt in knowing I could but I can’t. Those feeling can become overwhelming for just one soul to bear. Have you ever felt this way? Can you relate?

“When your in that state of mind…you can’t help but feel alone”

When your in that state of mind you can’t help but feel alone. You can’t help but unknowingly push people away. You have to snap yourself out of it. Or at least have someone give you a good slap across the back of the head ” Wake Up, I’m here” is what they’ll say (my friends are literal, maybe yours aren’t so rough). Like a sunrise you realize somebody cares. Somebody can relate. Somebody understands, because if they didn’t why would they stop you from wallowing? I’ve noticed when I get like this it’s because I missed the warning signs; that I was getting in too deep without a life jacket . When you want something so bad that can happen, and then the isolation begins and then loneliness.There are also those times when nothing short of God is the only thing that can bring you out, or motivate you to get something done. I’m having one of those days today. I literally had to pray myself off my couch (where I slept for whatever reason). I’m praying myself through this post as we speak. I want this to make sense so bad.

The point is loneliness is often just in our heads. We have friends and family members who probably know what we’re feeling. They can help if we let them. There are other people, bloggers, authors, etc. who we can relate too. If you believe in God as I do; you know that’s he’s with us all the time. Even in the lowest moments; when I can’t muster the strength to call his name, he’s there. We are not as alone as we think. We just have to snap out of it long enough to realize we have a team of supporters to help us through the rough patches, but they can’t help us until we acknowledge and accept that we need it. I know that’s one of my biggest flaws and I’m working on it. I need help! I’m saying it out loud. So I will make that call and ask for it. Will you? If you have don’t have anyone I’m here. I can relate to a lot and like I said earlier I will be your biggest cheerleader!! Hopefully someone will get something out this…maybe snap out of the trance.

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I know there is a greater purpose for my life. I mean there has to be, why else would God let me go through all I’ve been through. Sometimes when things get rough I forget to call on him for strength. And I know he knows when I’m going to call and when I when I won’t.Because when I do things seem to get harder. Not because he’s punishing me for not relying on him first; No to remind that he’s got it under control. To remind that I already won the battle I just have to let him fight it.

I’m so used to being the strong one. So much so that in my times of weakness; I beat myself up for being weak. Usually during these times I seclude myself from the world. Fearful that they’ll see my flaw…see that I’m not always the strong one. I try to hide from God too. I run to the bottom of every bottle or can I could get a hold of. I’d roll my poison between cigars, papers, or stuff into homemade bongs. But God would be there with me. Just waiting for me to remember that he wants to take care of me. I’m in tears as I write this because, I’ve never opened up like this. I don’t even know what possessed me to even go here.

I’ve been strengthening my relationship with God lately. It’s not been easy. Submission was never really my thing. I was the rebel. The one who had it together. When the truth is I was/ am still just falling apart. I know God has been with me my whole life. Hell I shouldn’t even be alive because of some of the situation I’ve gotten myself into. I know this post is random but I need to get all this off my chest. I never trusted many people. My mom was my confidant and if I couldn’t tell her then only Gods the only who knows those things. Yet I’m learning that if I trust God, I can trust the people he’s put in my life. And again if I can’t lean on them I know he’s got my back. I know if I trust him I just have to carry on.


Well let me get to some point. Everything happens for a reason. Most people believe this, even if they don’t believe in God. I know that everything I’ve been through isn’t so that I can hold on to it and beat myself up with it. It was to make me stronger than I was at that time, so I can go through the next situation wiser than I would’ve been. I’ll be stronger and can make the right decisions with conviction; and know in my heart that I did my best. That’s all you can do, but had I not been through, whose to say I’d have given it my all. I’m not perfect and I’m going to fall flat on butt and face a lot, but I’m reaching for what feels good, and letting go of the hurt. I am who I am for a reason.

I am considered mentally ill. I am bipolar, ADHD, and I suffer from generalized panic disorder as well as panic disorder. Does this mean I’m crazy…hell no. If you think I’m crazy then you don’t know me and you shouldn’t judge people you don’t know. I’m human! I joke and laugh at my diagnosis sometimes, but that’s so I don’t always have to cry about it. Some run at the mere mention of bipolar, due to stereotypes and general lack of knowledge. Every case of mental illness is different and no treatment is the same. I go to counseling one to two times a month depending on how symptomatic I am. I also take several medication that help to balance me out. I have a sensitive biochemistry and that sometimes hinders the process, but I deal with it. I believe God has given this experience for a reason.

My hours of operation differ depending on the day and how I’m feeling. Sometimes I sleep for a few hours and then stay up for 3 to 4 days at at a time (mania). Others I sleep for days or refuse to be productive (depression). I have severe mood swings that cause me to be angry and aggressive. Then I’ll swing again and be happy as kid in a candy store; just as quickly. It’s hard to find that happy medium that most people have. I crave that happy medium. I hate when I have frequent swings. It’s emotionally draining to feel all these feelings. I can get real mean and have even fought family and friends. Then if I’m down I push the people who love me most away; when all they want to do is help. I hate to hurt them but I just can’t help it. But all in all I try my best to notice the swing and warn those who are dealing with me, so we all can be prepared and move forward. It’s hard to tell when I skip my medicines but I try not to do that anymore. I want to get well and to that I have to take them everyday; even if I think I’m feeling better. This will be with me for the rest of my life. But I’m still a happy go lucky young woman! I love to have fun and be around people. I just have to be careful and mind the company I keep like any other person

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Did you know adults suffer from ADHD too. It does not goo away when you grow up. You can’t just grow out of it. Millions of men and women around the world suffer from it but manage to get through the day and be productive citizens of the world. I wasn’t diagnosed with it until I was 18 and all of sudden high school made sense. Why I could never grasp certain subjects and why it felt like my mind was always going and could never stop. Why my grades fluctuated so much. I mean I loved school but it was always hard for me to focus. That’s one of the major symptoms of ADHD. Even in writing this piece my mind is all over the place and I have to reel it back in and focus. The medicine is wearing off and it’s almost time for my night medicine. I’ve started and stopped school several times in the past 7 years but finally have a decent cocktail ( what we call my treatment) worthy of me finally getting in and staying in. I really want this . To not just start, but to finish school.This disease makes it hard but I’m fighting back. I’m taking my life back. So as practice for school; I do assignments during the day, read and do things at a set time. Routine is key and once I get it down it will help with my lack of focus. Then there is the hyper part. Now because I’m an adult I know it is inappropriate to run around acting a fool. I fidget a lot. Constantly moving my hands and looking around. I can hear all kinds of sounds when I’m trying to get things done. I move from project to project. Room to room all the while trying to get this one thing done. It should take me all of 5 minutes to get dressed in the morning. But it takes 20 because I have to do fifty-billion t=other things while dressing myself. This is a challenge when trying to be on time, hence why I’m always late. SO I take my meds early so they’ll be working by the time I actually start getting dressed. I lay my clothes out the night before and so on and so forth. I’m trying to get my life back.

There is nothing worse than being in a constant state of worry. I worry about such trivial things and serious things. How people view me, how I handled something. I worry about things getting done or not getting done, and whose going to do it. I worry about the weather, nature, health, often things I can’t control.Then having those stressful moments that literally take the breath out of your lungs. To go into total shock and have the walls begin to close in you. Being taken down to your knees when you were just standing up.To feel like your all alone. That’s how a panic attack feels…kind of like watching yourself die. Scariest shit I’ve ever been through and to have this happen once I would be lucky. Having 2 or 3 of them at once isn’t uncommon for me, but I get through them the best I can. I learned several breathing techniques while in the hospital. I talk to a family member or friend while the attack is happening. I pray through them too. That has helped me a whole lot, to have someone to give those feelings to. It’s therapeutic to talk to God in such scary moments. Prayer has gotten me through so much but he helps me most during those awkward and lonely moments.

I know this piece is long but I hope you read it. I simply told my story. It may mean nothing but hopefully you took away that people who have to live with mental health issues are simply humans who have a few quirks, but we are the people you love and care for many times. I have to deal with these things on the daily basis and there are people who go through so much more. We are more than crazy. I am more than crazy. I’m not saying being sick gives us the right to get to run around all willie nilly doing stupid stuff, but don’t be so quick to judge. We are human too. We deserve a chance to be happy too. So I say proudly..I am mentally ill…I am HUMAN!!