Posts Tagged ‘Life’

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I found this and thought it to be quite amazing. It should be a universal warning card given out by writers; professional, ameture, poet, novelist, children’s book author etc. A wronged writer is a wronged writer and the above statement is true…we do get our revenge in print, and I am a firm believer that print is forever (this includes publishing on the internet;especially). If you are an antagonist in real life, eventually you make to the page as one. Then you are at the mercy of the author for the duration of the passage.  So make sure it’s not an author that you have personally have pissed off in on way or another. This may not mean much, but it symbolizes a moment where something about your character changed and became a negative factor in the authors life and now that flaw and that moment live for eternity in ink…permante marker…even if no one knows you; they do. So you’ve been warned. Be weary of writers…our revenge is printable…

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I’m usually not the emotional type…when it comes to national strategies. I can usually detach myself and see from a different point of view. Then there’s tragic events like today. I love kids and it always hurts me when they get hurt. I have pick up a crying baby and comfort upset toddlers. I can’t even begin to fathom how I would’ve reacted. 

I just don’t know how you could kill a kid. I don’t understand why you’d ever have the idea going through your head. You have to be insane…right? I know things can get overwhelming, but you should never take it out on the little ones. My heart hurts and is heavy with grief. I pray for the families and the victims. I know it’s a special place in heaven for those children. I can’t and won’t try to imagine what the’re going through. All I can say is God knows better than we do and all things work for the good of the kingdom. 

If you have a kids or are close to a child please go love them. Hug them and kiss them;tell them how much they mean to you. You never know when or if you’ll see them again even in the safest places. 

 

So here I sit staring success in the face. I mean literally staring at it, all I gotta do is put the words on paper. Here’s my dilemma, I can’t get to the words. I can’t seem to put a decent sentence together. The subject seemingly simple. The focus pretty easy. Yet my overly complicated behind freezes every time I look at the page. Oh, and when I do manage to get something down that sounds coherent…something happens. Today’s excuse (and I shouldn’t even have one) I’m too damn depressed to function. Just as things start to get better in one area of life;something else falls apart or needs my undivided attention. Like I’m writing here, but my article which I’ve been staring at for hours…nothing. But when I close up, shut down, and leave it alone; all these ideas, words, phrases and what not spring up. Myself plus this mental illness equals disaster for any career I choose to take up. This scares me because I’ll be starting school in the spring. I can’t afford another failed attempt at school. No I can not do it. My med were working fine and my over all health was decent. Nothing to trouble some, but low and behold my body is falling apart from the inside out. Then I decide it’s time be coo-coo. Jesus please help me!!!!! I really don’t want to fail. I’m actually doing as I’m told. Doing the right things for the most part. I’ve literally stopped living my old life and picked up this new boring one; just so I can focus on my health and school.

I’ve never wanted something so bad in my life as I want this right now. A chance to write for a legit magazine. A chance to go to school and actually finish. Why must everything fall apart now. Maybe I’m tripping and this is a test, but as low as I’m feeling right now…I already failed. I’m trying to give myself some credit and I’m sure this article will get done tonight (even if I have to stay up all night), but I need just a little encouragement. Not much just a pat on the back, a simple whisper in the ear “you’re close”, something. But what do I know other than this looks terrible?

I know there is a greater purpose for my life. I mean there has to be, why else would God let me go through all I’ve been through. Sometimes when things get rough I forget to call on him for strength. And I know he knows when I’m going to call and when I when I won’t.Because when I do things seem to get harder. Not because he’s punishing me for not relying on him first; No to remind that he’s got it under control. To remind that I already won the battle I just have to let him fight it.

I’m so used to being the strong one. So much so that in my times of weakness; I beat myself up for being weak. Usually during these times I seclude myself from the world. Fearful that they’ll see my flaw…see that I’m not always the strong one. I try to hide from God too. I run to the bottom of every bottle or can I could get a hold of. I’d roll my poison between cigars, papers, or stuff into homemade bongs. But God would be there with me. Just waiting for me to remember that he wants to take care of me. I’m in tears as I write this because, I’ve never opened up like this. I don’t even know what possessed me to even go here.

I’ve been strengthening my relationship with God lately. It’s not been easy. Submission was never really my thing. I was the rebel. The one who had it together. When the truth is I was/ am still just falling apart. I know God has been with me my whole life. Hell I shouldn’t even be alive because of some of the situation I’ve gotten myself into. I know this post is random but I need to get all this off my chest. I never trusted many people. My mom was my confidant and if I couldn’t tell her then only Gods the only who knows those things. Yet I’m learning that if I trust God, I can trust the people he’s put in my life. And again if I can’t lean on them I know he’s got my back. I know if I trust him I just have to carry on.


Well let me get to some point. Everything happens for a reason. Most people believe this, even if they don’t believe in God. I know that everything I’ve been through isn’t so that I can hold on to it and beat myself up with it. It was to make me stronger than I was at that time, so I can go through the next situation wiser than I would’ve been. I’ll be stronger and can make the right decisions with conviction; and know in my heart that I did my best. That’s all you can do, but had I not been through, whose to say I’d have given it my all. I’m not perfect and I’m going to fall flat on butt and face a lot, but I’m reaching for what feels good, and letting go of the hurt. I am who I am for a reason.

Sometimes I don’t always say what I should or need to say. Not because I can’t but because it won’t be taken the right way or misunderstood. I think others feel this way too. It’s nothing wrong with censoring yourself sometimes, but often times we do it out of habit. I’m used to being the quiet girl and I even embodied that persona for a long time. Then people get to know who you really are and seem surprised that you have the nerve or audacity to say “Fuck off”! It’s not my job to make you understand or get everything that comes out of my mouth. You have a brain use it. If I’m being blunt then there is nothing to “try and get”. If I’m trying to share something with you and you don’t get it…that’s not necessarily my problem. I can explain it to you again but still if you don’t get me; what else can I do. Not everything out of any ones mouth is plain and simple. Especially in times of stress, depression, drama, or whatever life throws at us. Life is just funny that way sometimes. We’re all guilty of taking what someone says and misinterpreted it. It happens but it is not the speaker fault all the time. We have ask ourselves it can’t be them all the time…maybe it is me. I am going to start speaking my mind more and you’ll just have to take away what you can from it. If it needs more clarity I can give it. But if you understand it differently then it’s not my fault.

When it’s really quiet I listen. I listen to the sound of the air conditioner humming, or the fan blowing; often brings peace. At night the sirens, traffic, and wind soothe me. I like hear the tea pot whistle when making my evening cup of tea make me smile. The sizzle of my dinner in the pan forces me to be patient. See in the silence I’m learning that I move way too much and don’t enjoy the little things. The birds, the wind, the sound of traffic all of that can be and should be looked at in positive light many times. I mean it could be worse.I could, blind, deaf, or whatever else you could think of. Why take these for granted?

The silence is also teaching me a lot about myself. What I really like. Things I don’t like.Who my real friends are. I’m learning I need to be more self motivated when I’m tired. I’m learning that I’m very creative when bored. I’m getting my childhood imagination back slowly but surely. I’m falling in love with myself all over again. So I’m learning new ways to take care of myself. Learning in the silence is truly going to be a journey for sure.

Silence holds many words
-Lindsey Knepp