I know there is a greater purpose for my life. I mean there has to be, why else would God let me go through all I’ve been through. Sometimes when things get rough I forget to call on him for strength. And I know he knows when I’m going to call and when I when I won’t.Because when I do things seem to get harder. Not because he’s punishing me for not relying on him first; No to remind that he’s got it under control. To remind that I already won the battle I just have to let him fight it.
I’m so used to being the strong one. So much so that in my times of weakness; I beat myself up for being weak. Usually during these times I seclude myself from the world. Fearful that they’ll see my flaw…see that I’m not always the strong one. I try to hide from God too. I run to the bottom of every bottle or can I could get a hold of. I’d roll my poison between cigars, papers, or stuff into homemade bongs. But God would be there with me. Just waiting for me to remember that he wants to take care of me. I’m in tears as I write this because, I’ve never opened up like this. I don’t even know what possessed me to even go here.
I’ve been strengthening my relationship with God lately. It’s not been easy. Submission was never really my thing. I was the rebel. The one who had it together. When the truth is I was/ am still just falling apart. I know God has been with me my whole life. Hell I shouldn’t even be alive because of some of the situation I’ve gotten myself into. I know this post is random but I need to get all this off my chest. I never trusted many people. My mom was my confidant and if I couldn’t tell her then only Gods the only who knows those things. Yet I’m learning that if I trust God, I can trust the people he’s put in my life. And again if I can’t lean on them I know he’s got my back. I know if I trust him I just have to carry on.
Well let me get to some point. Everything happens for a reason. Most people believe this, even if they don’t believe in God. I know that everything I’ve been through isn’t so that I can hold on to it and beat myself up with it. It was to make me stronger than I was at that time, so I can go through the next situation wiser than I would’ve been. I’ll be stronger and can make the right decisions with conviction; and know in my heart that I did my best. That’s all you can do, but had I not been through, whose to say I’d have given it my all. I’m not perfect and I’m going to fall flat on butt and face a lot, but I’m reaching for what feels good, and letting go of the hurt. I am who I am for a reason.
mizzmackthinksdisanddat 